After putting my emotions in words and having to write so many books, I feel very proud that I have released it that way. But I still did not find the peace I thought I would have after writing them all down and turning them into stories. 

Starting a very young age, I was always someone with lots of emotions. No matter what the circumstances, you could read my emotions through my face. I could not hide it. The last couple of years, I tried to master it but I still could not find the art of acting like everything is alright. 

My problem with my emotions were that I never gave them a chance to be taken care of. I always made myself believe everything is fine and I needed to move on. As a people pleaser, I would most likely apologise for their mistakes, so I would not lose them. I did try to change this characteristic of mine the last couple of years. To learn to stand on my grounds and not let myself be disappointed by so many people. 

These past couple of years, I truly lost sight of who I was. I listened to all these horrific things shared about me, read, listened and heard them one by one. There were nights I would just lay there on my bed and hear it all over again in my head. I did not sleep well anymore. I did not eat well anymore. I did not live well anymore. I started apologising for everything even if I had no part in it. I knew these people wanted to see a bad side of me. A side that would be angry. A side that would curse them. A side that would be suicidal. A side that would please them by breaking into a thousand pieces. And because I knew they wanted to see that side of me, I promised myself not to give them anything to be pleased. 

Social media has helped me achieve a lot but it has also been one of the main sources that gave me emotional damage. The rumours spread like fire because of it. The worst part was that I could not change the situation but to watch. I had to watch it all in silence and process it in silence. Because even if I explained the truth, it was nothing as interesting as the rumours. So most of these people kept hold of them. 

Think about it in this way: Imagine you give a word to 5 people and those five people have 5 connections and everyone has again 5 connections. In a moment of minutes, lies have been multiplied like fire.

I cannot say anything else but to wish for people to know my heart. One who has always stood up for justice and hated unrighteousness. Being emotionally damaged is nothing to be ashamed for. After having PTSD for two years almost, and still fighting it, I know now, that better days are coming. 

I cannot say that everything is perfect but the people around me, truly do help me to get better. With time, the seven days crying yourself to sleep becomes only three times a week. With the help of others, and of your own strengths, this too, will pass. The one thing that helps me a lot is having to do bible studies with my boyfriend. The way he motivates me to do better in everything, is the biggest inspiration in my life to become better. 

I truly, from the bottom of my heart wish for a day where the world would not be so ugly anymore. Where people would hold their tongues and would understand the consequences of this. 

What is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better.

Whoever who relates to this. Do not be afraid of speaking up. Of demanding kindness. There is nothing bad about speaking about your emotions. You are not crazy. You are not worthless. You are not what they call you. You are not defined by people’s words. There is one who can and that is God. Leave the hate to them, and you be busy with spreading love, kindness and elegance. These people who try to ruin you so badly, will face their fate some day. Leave that to God.

You are elegant.

You are kindness itself.

You are worth all the good. 

You are strong.

You are beautiful.

You are smart.