I have spoken to many people whose parents were divorced or no longer together. Many of them have said things like: “I missed having parents who were together,” or “I missed not having my father around.” A lot of them missed having a father figure in their lives.

I’ve seen and heard so much from them about how they felt there were “holes” in their lives because of what they missed out on. I’ve also heard stories of mothers keeping children away from their fathers, which made the children feel as though their fathers didn’t want them — or had abandoned them. This often leads children to grow up believing they weren’t worthy of love or attention.

What many people don’t realize is how deeply these experiences affect children — even long into adulthood. When a parent cheats, the impact can be immense. It can shape how a child views love, loyalty, and trust. Many children of unfaithful parents grow up learning, consciously or not, that love is not trustworthy. They often carry this belief into their own relationships, finding it difficult to trust others.

When your first experiences with love involve betrayal or abandonment, it becomes hard to believe that anyone else will be different. Children from broken families often carry a deep sense of mistrust into adulthood — even in relationships that are healthy. They may test boundaries, sabotage emotional closeness, or withdraw entirely, simply to avoid the risk of being hurt again.

When children grow up in broken families, their emotional development is often disrupted in ways that aren’t always visible from the outside. These children are not just reacting to the event of a divorce, betrayal, or absence — they are reacting to what that event means to them. Psychologically, their worldview is being shaped in those formative years, and the messages they internalize can be lasting and painful.

In psychology, we talk about core beliefs — deeply held convictions that shape how we see ourselves and the world. For children in broken families, these beliefs are often distorted:

• “I’m not enough.”

• “I’m hard to love.”

• “People I love always leave.”

• “If I let someone in, I’ll get hurt.”

In some broken families, children are forced into roles that don’t belong to them — comforting a grieving parent, mediating fights, raising siblings, or suppressing their own needs to keep the peace. This is often called parentification. Though these children may appear “mature for their age,” the emotional cost is high. As adults, they may:

• Struggle to ask for help or show vulnerability.

• Feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions.

• Become chronic overachievers or caretakers.

• Experience burnout, depression, or identity loss.

Children of broken families often grow up with invisible scars. Their pain is quiet, buried beneath coping mechanisms like independence, mistrust, perfectionism, or emotional numbness. But they are not broken beyond repair. Divorce and separation are painful, but what often causes the most lasting damage to a child is not the split itself — it’s how the parents handle it afterward. One of the most emotionally destructive patterns is when one parent deliberately keeps the child away from the other, or worse, speaks badly about them.

What may seem like subtle remarks, bitter comments, or “protecting” the child from the other parent, can actually create deep and lasting psychological wounds. This kind of behavior is not co-parenting — it is emotional manipulation. And children, who rely on both parents to form their identity and sense of safety, often pay the highest price. Children see themselves as a reflection of both parents. So when one parent is demonized, ridiculed, or completely erased, the child doesn’t just lose access to that parent — they begin to question half of who they are.

“If my mom says my dad is worthless… what does that say about me?”

“If my dad says my mom is crazy… can I trust how I feel?”

This dynamic is especially harmful when the child is made to feel like loving or wanting to see the other parent is a betrayal. Children should never be put in the position of choosing sides — it is a burden far too heavy for their hearts. Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child is a subtle form of emotional abuse. Even passive-aggressive comments — “Well, I guess your father didn’t care enough to show up again” or “If your mother actually listened, you wouldn’t be so confused” — chip away at the child’s emotional well-being.

Some children internalize the negativity and struggle with self-worth, while others externalize it and develop rebellious or destructive behavior as a way of coping with the confusion and pain. In some cases, children later grow up, reconnect with the other parent, and realize they were manipulated. This can result in resentment and estrangement from the parent who badmouthed or blocked the relationship.

If you’re a parent going through a separation, remember this:

Your child is not your ally, your therapist, your messenger, or your emotional equal. They are a child — and their right to love both parents should be sacred.

• Even if your ex hurt you, if they are not abusive or dangerous to the child, do not poison the relationship.

• If your child asks questions, answer truthfully but gently — without injecting bitterness or blame.

• If you need to vent, do it to a friend, a therapist, or a journal — never to your child.

• If the other parent fails or disappoints them, let the child process that in their own time — not through your commentary.

Supporting your child in maintaining a healthy relationship with the other parent is not weakness — it’s strength. It shows your maturity, your self-control, and your love for your child above all else.

Let children be children. Don’t burden them with the pain of adulthood at such a young age.